Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
