i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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