I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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