I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
