I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
