she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
did i walk over a car last night?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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