I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
