i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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