so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
