Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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