is your mom at the bar?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
