so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
