i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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