Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
