Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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