I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
