Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
