I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
