omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
