Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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