Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i love accidental penises.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize