Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
