Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
