Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
