Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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