The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
