is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
