hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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