ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
