I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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