We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
