i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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