The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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