Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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