You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
