Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
