There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
where are my pants?
in the oven.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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