flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
