How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
