Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
