nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
