I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
