I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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