god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
