apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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