Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
