every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
