Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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