You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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