even my farts smell like vagina
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
