I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
