Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
