I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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