I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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