I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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