saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
