I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize