She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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