I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
