i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We were destined to go to rehab together
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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