and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
