Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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